Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
