My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
