The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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