If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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