woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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