P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
