I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
