i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
