u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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