i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
no you cant smoke seaweed
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
