WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
