Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
