If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
