smell my finger.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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