so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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