If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Michael Bay diarrhea
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
