there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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