i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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