Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
