i may or may not be watching the land before time
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
