apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
