Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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