I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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