Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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