ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
