Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
