Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
