My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
