The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
