If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
