Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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