I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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