I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The power of my boobs compel you
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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