Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
