God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
