Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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