Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
