and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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