Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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