I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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