Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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