I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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