Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
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so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
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she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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