I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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