mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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