So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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