Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
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Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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