Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
