Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
