Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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