Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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