the condom got lost in my hair
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
