I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
