Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
