Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
