well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
