just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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