Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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