Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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