Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
